Crista's Point of View

location: room

mood: calm

music: Wonderwall- Oasis

Exactly the same feeling, I muttered to myself sometime after I plopping myself on my seat at the veranda of the conference room. I let the breeze caress my whole and calm my mind for forty-five minutes. I can’t remember the last time that I paused for a moment and reconnect to the inner me. The previous days must have been bustling wherein. My mind reeled with nothing but the endless web of ‘too many’ requirements that I forgot to take a check on how I was doing. After all, it was my being which makes things work and possible.

Seldom would I let the feeling of serenity surge deep within, quenching the thirst I feel for some rest and heal little of what wound has been inflicted. Never have I considered slowing down and ceasing the moment: to walk slowly and feel the path I am treading, to chew the food slowly and taste its goodness, and stand for a minute to admire the surroundings.

I suppose it would be days like this when you would rather shove everything off your desk and replace it with your favorite hot drink and a good read.

When do we realize the beauty of simple things such as staring at the clear blue sky, doodling random noting on your notepad, and listening to classical music? Really, when?

For some it might be that keeping a slow pace is a pain for it delays a lot. Haven’t you noticed how fast pacing could simply ruin a work of art? Can you imagine how rushed decisions might have been improved by taking sometime to think of the pros and cons? How words said might have been thought of and said better?

I, for instance, had been dancing to the beat of the music. Moving in accordance to the tempo of the tune, but would retire easily because I was taking the tempo as the center of the act. Then would I realize that I should have listened to the lyrics of the music, and its message. Just then, I would think how important it would be if only, there would be time to analyze things. Let it flow through and enjoy the spontaneity of events. Truth be told, we can never take matters into our own hand and watch it play.

The way we tackle our daily ventures, the manner as to how we attack problems brings two possible results. Encumbering a likely outcome or achieving what we have listed in our goals. The option of taking the safe side, the middle grounds, limits the possibilities of claiming what ought to be yours. For at times, thinking outside of the box, and extending to the extremes takes a lot of time to be managed and innovated.

This, I have realized after turning my back from my running around and panic stricken life. Through rekindling what light has been aflame from deep within, I have searched the answers to my long forgotten questions, and had confronted the fears I hid for a long time. Peace from within radiates and conspires with the universe. Before you could even notice, everything would be a follow through.

So, sitting somewhere and finding solitude, admiring every beauty little or big, and acknowledging and reconnecting with your own self is not a hassle after all.

It’s a matter of pacing and keeping things lightly while enjoying the spontaneity.

mood: crappy

It is an understatment to say that I have a lot of things to do... and this is a very grave matter. I as well as my other classmates are running out of time in order to accomplish a certain school requirement that is a determinant if we are graduating or not. GRADUATING OR NOT. And it pisses the hell out of us that our out of town trip was moved from the 25th of July all the way to the 16th of November, yeah later.

Personally, I am not yet ready for this spiritual retreat because its as if I have this excess emotional baggage that I am lifting till later, and which I can't simply leave at home. There are things in my mind which are bothering me. Things which could turn me into a Bipolar or Borderline.

Another reason is that I've been spending so little time at home that I don't get to talk to mama and papa, and even my brother and sister. Why steal three days from me?!

Another reason, I am feeling lazy.

Then I feel rather tired and my throat is hurting, i guess yung muscle, because I was singing atop my lungs at KP's concert.

I have other validators to meet.

MAMA'S BIRTHDAY SA 20TH!!!!

AND MY THESIS DEFENSE IS ON SATURDAY!!!

ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw

The Phenomenology of being a restrained person.

I was not that good a student when I was at high school. I never had the chance to go up on-stage to earn ribbons and medals. Neither did I have the chance to have a place at the honor’s list. I was not also participative back then. I wasn’t like my other classmates who raced every day to earn recitation. Neither did I contribute ideas during group works. It was not because I do not give a damn about my studies, nor because I was depending on my classmates to get my big fat grades, it was just that I see no point in doing so because there was no chance that I would be called.

 I spent thirteen years of my early education in a school where students were highly competitive and where teachers spent all their attention to students who were capable of competing and winning in interschool competitions. Unfortunately, I was not lucky enough to be one of these students. What was I then? I was the quintessential student who goes everyday to school in complete uniform, with accomplished homework and a stroller bag full of books and notebooks. I was too typical back then that I think I could easily blend with the wall. Perhaps I was too afraid to be heard out by my classmates, my every mistakes and the blunder that might escape from my lips. So, I tried to constrain myself from speaking out what I had in mind. I suppose, I was too concerned on how people will view me as a classmate and student. For me criticisms cost my life. I was enjoying my own little world with some friends who were also typical as I was. Ironically, the enjoyment I had wore off when I compared myself to some of my batch mates who were having the ride of their life whenever they threw parties and talk about the coolest stuff everyone in campus was talking about. I felt somehow left out and out of place whenever I stay inside our classroom with these people. All the more I felt that I was a miniscule part of our four cornered room, cramped and waiting to be noticed. I wished to be acknowledged back then, not acknowledged to the point of being famous around the campus but to be trusted in anything that I do. Somehow I want to be heard by my classmates who were always echoing their ideas. Deep inside me, I know that I was also capable of doing so. All the while, I wanted to be believed by my classmates.

Then came a major turnabout in my life. I saw new faces around me who looked like they don’t give a damn whether you look like the high school valedictorian or the person who was always updated in the fashion world. I was mixed with people of different personalities. At first I felt afraid. I did not know where to go and whom to talk with. Fortunately, a high school friend was admitted at the same college as mine and for a few days both of us ate together and went home together. It seems that we were really meant to part ways despite the same school we attend to. She took fine arts while I took psychology. Our schedules were a mess and there was no point to plan for lunch together. I then decided to let go of the idea that we will accompany each other everyday. I later learned to make new friends. I was at first fearful that my classmates would be too critical to entertain me inside their small groups. Later, I grew fond the little talk we share and laughs we burst. Day by day I interacted with my classmates till I finally picked the people whom I am comfortable hanging out with. The person whom I used to be changed bit by bit when I entered a new environment. I was so stunned when the people surrounding me did not anymore care on how I look like, how I act and how I voice myself out. When I entered college, I felt welcome and younger than ever. I learned how to participate during classes, I learned how to voice out my ideas and I learned to expand the little world I used to have. Each day I found myself evolving into a person I really want to be. Moreover, I felt like my own self. I felt like treading a path where I was really made to walk onto. It was as if, I was setting the color of my present situation in a brighter color in contrast with my dull high school life. My restrained self learned to network the crammed dreams in my mind and I was glad to know that there were people around me who are willing to listen to me, people who were capable of supporting my aspirations as a student. At first all I did was to whisper answers to myself but then it turns out that there was no harm in trying to raise my hand.

It was not that I was seeking attention that I immediately liked the feeling. It was just fun to connect with the people around me and exchange dialogues with them. I grasped learning from them and they grasped learning from me. I now know how to voice out my ideas and voicing out my idea did not only mean that I want people to follow me. What I want is for people to know that I have something inside my mind and I wanted to share it to them.

I was not that same person when I was a high school student. Yes, I am still that typical student but I am one notch higher than before. I never felt bitter looking back to the days when I simply sit down my chair and fear my classmates’ criticism. It actually, makes me smile from time to time because I know that from that chapter of my life I identified myself as a person capable of doing things I wished to have done. Sometimes I feel idiotic thinking that I was afraid just because of the people around me. I changed to a person who learned to believe in my own abilities and love my own ideas. Bringing out the best of me was one of the things that I developed whenever I remembered how frustrated I was for not being able to be like those of my classmates.

As I look in front of the mirror I now understand how I now turned to be a person who can crack a joke. Now, whenever we are having groupings people makes me feel that they are assured to have me as their group mates. They make me feel that I can be a person whom they can gain knowledge from.

Looking back, I thank all those people who faintly believed me and boosted my moral to be who I am now.