Crista's Point of View

Wishlist Blues

2009-12-22T17:54:46Z

For the first time in my entire life, for the years I've known myself, I am in a struggle to come up with something that I wish to recieve for our exchange gift. I could not think of anything at all! What a pain!!! I guess papa, was the one who picked my name- he was nodding when I was enumerating the things which I'd rather not receive let me usisa pa more 6^

Done

2009-12-19T12:03:16Z

Thesis defense is over :) I'm positive with the result of the defense. They expressed interest with the results and some of them said that I am to present in Research Psychology class. Yey! I just love this day- so much

15th of December

2009-12-14T21:07:47Z

Dear 15th of December:

I am currently wrapped with a blanket as dawns are growing colder and colder this December. I just woke up from my 5 hours sleep to do things that shall not let pass without giving a critical eye. Needless to say, I also broke from my dream from the land of make believe where I saw myself with the sweetest possible happening that could ever occur to me.

Things have been going on lightly, or so I believed in, or is a state or ignorance with what ought to be perceived?

I have to break a leg this Saturday as my thesis defense is scheduled at 2:00 in the afternoon, the last but not the least defender.

I want to write something for this Christmas and would like to find refuge with the play of word even if I am not gifted with such ability.

I badly would like to retire for this day even if the sun has not yet risen.

I shall go now and so shall I return.

Caffeinated

2009-12-09T17:25:03Z

Today I am caffeinated. In my own volition, I exceded the supposedly 'teaspoon' of coffee powder to stay awake. And yes I am-

My soul's waiting for my body to drop and palpitate (which I guess would happen later at the General Assembly while Emceeing).

I am hoping to make it tomorrow- which I think I can achie despite the struggles with my Statistics- Buti na lang I love my thesis so much more than anything else right now daw).

As soon s I finish this paper- Id make sure to it to tret myself with a bigbig something as a reward.

Konting konti na lang- Sabi nga ni Katt 'Last stretch na YO!'

Not your modern day superwoman

2009-12-05T17:40:23Z

Para feel na feel ko ~~at Pilipino ako,~~ magtatagalog ako sa aking entry na ito. Mahirap itong simulan sa totoo lang. Di ko maisip kung dapat ko ba itong isulat na mababasa ng madla, o gawing pribado ang entry na ito. Dahil konti lang naman ang aking mambabasa, at ikinagagalak ko ito, mas pinili kong ilathala ito na free for all.

----

Madalas kong naiisip na napapgod na ako. Di alintana na sa hirap ng mga ginagawa ko sa skul, minsan naisip kong itigil ang kabalbalan na ito. Ang hirap kasi. Sa totoo lang mahirap. Maaaring sa iba, isang memorization lang ang course ko. Wala nga namang mathematics na involve, o chemical formula. Oo nga naman, sa Fundamentals of Psych simpreng concepts lang ang tinuturo. Pero, isang stereotype and isipin na basta basta lang ang kurosng kinuha ko. Sa totoo lang, kung anong pasakit ang pinagdadaanan namin para alng di maalis sa listhan ng mga tutuloy sa next year.

Sa apat na taon kong pagaaral sa isang exclusive school, natutunan ko, kagaya nang iba kong classmates, kung paano mamuhay gamit ang aming sariling lakas: pisikal, mental, at emosyonal. Pagpumunta ka sa aming eskwelahan, makikita ong ang mga babae ay nagbubuhat ng mabibigat ng bagay, babae ang tumatakbo papunta sa iba't ibang building. Partido pa, skirt at heel lang naman ang suot namin.

Sa loob nang apat na taon na iyon, naisip ko sa sarili ko na hindi masamang mamuhay na independent. Sa totoo lang hindi. Masarap sa totoo lang. Hawak mo ang lahat. Ang oras mo, ang mga kilos mo, pananamit mo, pagsasalita mo- lahat ikaw ang boss. Pero sa tagal nang yon, yung realization na 'okay naman pala' unti unti siyang nagbago.

Naisip ko habang ginagawa ko ang thesis ko nang magisa, nakakalungkot din pala. Siguro masyado ko lang naiisip na 20 na ako at, well ~~(drama starts here)~~ nagiisa pa din ako.

Sanay naman na akong kumilos magisa. Yung paglalakad ng papers para sa approval g mga validator ko sa thesis instrument ko, magisa kong inaasikaso, nang nakaheels. Nakikipagnegosasyon ako ng solo. Pumupunta sa iba't ibang library nang magisa. Umuuwi magisa. Kumakain magisa. Lahat ginagawa ko magisa. Kung iisipin mo nga naman, kung di ko ito gagawin kanino ko iaasa. Minsan lang may mga makikita ka sa paligid mo na parang iisipin mo 'sana sa akin din may tutulong na magbuhat ng gamit', o 'sana may magtetext na kamusta'

Pero kasi, nakakapagod din. Sa totoo lang, sobrang nakakapagod.

Kelan ko nalaman. Nung isang araw lang na katatapos ko lang nung experiment ko at iniimpake ko yung gamit ko. Nung oras na yon narealize ko na napapagod ako.

Ilang linggo ko na ding minamano mani ang data gathering. Yung laman nung bag ko araw araw ay yung laptop (mabigat siya), yung video camera, tapos papers na ampagkadami dami. Pwera pa rito yung hand bag ko na gamit ko paglalabas ng school para makipagmeet sa mga validator. Gabi gabi akong umuuwi na ganito ang lagay, sbi nga ni mama 'baktot baktot' ko daw yung bag ko. Pag standing- sure standing, sus ano ba naman yong ilang minuto mo lang na itatayo di ba.

Tsaka ko narealize na magisa lang ako at nakakapagod. Miski ba sabhin natin na madaming taong sumusuporta- iba kasi yon e.
Siguro, ito lang talaga yung edad na mapapansin mong may kulang- at minsan malulungkot ka na lang,

Maraming babae ang akala mo malakas dahil kaya nilang gawin ang bagay na solo. Siguro yung akin, di naman gaya nung sa iba na masmalaki yung responsibilidad na ginagwa nila. Pero for sure sa mga tao, iniisip nila na Superwoman yung mga ganung tipo. Well, think again. Dahil maraming tumatakbo sa isip nila. Mahirap lang basahin at unawain.

Ayan- nailabas ko tuloy ito- as in lately naiisip ko ito, bukod sa duguang pamomroblema sa final defense na nalalapit.

~~Forget that I wrote this shit.~~

The manner of pacing

2009-11-20T01:30:12Z

20th of November

Exactly the same feeling, I muttered to myself sometime after I plopping myself on my seat at the veranda of the conference room. I let the breeze caress my whole and calm my mind for forty-five minutes. I can’t remember the last time that I paused for a moment and reconnect to the inner me. The previous days must have been bustling wherein. My mind reeled with nothing but the endless web of ‘too many’ requirements that I forgot to take a check on how I was doing. After all, it was my being which makes things work and possible.

Seldom would I let the feeling of serenity surge deep within, quenching the thirst I feel for some rest and heal little of what wound has been inflicted. Never have I considered slowing down and ceasing the moment: to walk slowly and feel the path I am treading, to chew the food slowly and taste its goodness, and stand for a minute to admire the surroundings.

I suppose it would be days like this when you would rather shove everything off your desk and replace it with your favorite hot drink and a good read.

When do we realize the beauty of simple things such as staring at the clear blue sky, doodling random noting on your notepad, and listening to classical music? Really, when?

For some it might be that keeping a slow pace is a pain for it delays a lot. Haven’t you noticed how fast pacing could simply ruin a work of art? Can you imagine how rushed decisions might have been improved by taking sometime to think of the pros and cons? How words said might have been thought of and said better?

I, for instance, had been dancing to the beat of the music. Moving in accordance to the tempo of the tune, but would retire easily because I was taking the tempo as the center of the act. Then would I realize that I should have listened to the lyrics of the music, and its message. Just then, I would think how important it would be if only, there would be time to analyze things. Let it flow through and enjoy the spontaneity of events. Truth be told, we can never take matters into our own hand and watch it play.

The way we tackle our daily ventures, the manner as to how we attack problems brings two possible results. Encumbering a likely outcome or achieving what we have listed in our goals. The option of taking the safe side, the middle grounds, limits the possibilities of claiming what ought to be yours. For at times, thinking outside of the box, and extending to the extremes takes a lot of time to be managed and innovated.

This, I have realized after turning my back from my running around and panic stricken life. Through rekindling what light has been aflame from deep within, I have searched the answers to my long forgotten questions, and had confronted the fears I hid for a long time. Peace from within radiates and conspires with the universe. Before you could even notice, everything would be a follow through.

So, sitting somewhere and finding solitude, admiring every beauty little or big, and acknowledging and reconnecting with your own self is not a hassle after all.

It’s a matter of pacing and keeping things lightly while enjoying the spontaneity.

16th November 2009

2009-11-15T16:36:34Z

It is an understatment to say that I have a lot of things to do... and this is a very grave matter. I as well as my other classmates are running out of time in order to accomplish a certain school requirement that is a determinant if we are graduating or not. GRADUATING OR NOT. And it pisses the hell out of us that our out of town trip was moved from the 25th of July all the way to the 16th of November, yeah later.

Personally, I am not yet ready for this spiritual retreat because its as if I have this excess emotional baggage that I am lifting till later, and which I can't simply leave at home. There are things in my mind which are bothering me. Things which could turn me into a Bipolar or Borderline.

Another reason is that I've been spending so little time at home that I don't get to talk to mama and papa, and even my brother and sister. Why steal three days from me?!

Another reason, I am feeling lazy.

Then I feel rather tired and my throat is hurting, i guess yung muscle, because I was singing atop my lungs at KP's concert.

I have other validators to meet.

MAMA'S BIRTHDAY SA 20TH!!!!

AND MY THESIS DEFENSE IS ON SATURDAY!!!

ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw ayaw

peste i don't wanna go anywhere but here

Sorry po-

C-A-L-M spells out PANIC

2009-11-05T10:40:06Z

Dear 5th of November;

I did sort of running for the past days. As it was entailed on the progress of my research paper, I diligently went o universities in the hopes of having my paper validated. After sending godknows how many formal letters, I got three decent replies from which one was a heartbreaking rejection paper, the other was a vague letter of rejetion and acceptance while the other was a positive feedback.

Hoping that I was on the right track, well I was, it appeared that there were parts still lacking for a complete validation. I was listening to my advisors comments as suggestions while my heart slowly fell from its place. Apparently I have a looonngg way to go with for so little time.

However, despite the sort of bad news on my part and the lack from my mentors side I did not feel, in anyway, hate of somesort. I simply felt, as I was listening and watching her lips utter items for my long list of task, stressed and panic striken. And guess what, I stepped out of the room with my face flashing anxiety all over.

I suppose I was overwhelmed with the way how 2nd semester started. Not to mention the graduation plans dicussed during dinner and times when they seem to see it important.... ohhh mthe PRESSURE. I was jotting down all necessary things and improvements on my paper, when I gave my self a stupid grin. Apparently, I was getting all worked up with what I could handle.

Then I thought, I have invested much time for this requirement and I know components of my paper, I have attained this stage nd so why should I scuttle and over react?

So I learned how I handle stress and panic for my whole school life. As a result, here I am amusing myself with stuff online while planning over revisions.

C-A-L-M >>> the reason why I end up doing things the last minute... with *ahem* UNEXPECTED results.

4th of November 2009

2009-11-03T17:24:30Z

Dear 4th of November:

I am not sure if this entry would be capable of describing the feeling that I have lately.... well, whatever.

I feel as if I am stuffed with the energy that I do not usually have. I do not know if this is sort of a self-proclamation, but I feel as if I have this artistic feeling that is not limited to writing, or drawing, or singing... or to i do not know what stuff- but it is as if I am more comfortable with myself- like beliveing that I could express myself better than ever plus th fact that I love what I am doing and that there would be people who'd be with you no matter what.

It makes you feel oh-so good.

Plus good music and the senseless craps which makes you laught your ass off...

1:36 AM Banter

2009-10-30T18:13:09Z

Zai: (raised a concern regarding something that had been bugging her for the whole day yesterday)
Sis: (empathetically nods) If i were you, i'd go there and leave something, maybe a basket of fruits, in front their gate
Zai: haha- leave something in front their house? What do you take me for, someone must be doing that for me. I mean living a basket of whatever in front someone's house...
Sis: Nothing to loose- and it would be out of concern
Zai: But what if someone sees me..
Sis: Noone will - drop the basket,.. and at the count of three run
Zai: But i have to run quite a distance before I'd be out of sight from their place
Sis: Then hide somewhere- maybe behind a post or a truck...
Zai: haha- I ain't doing anything of that sort
Sis: Fine, but you worry so much- you'd be pacing here and there again... and would be mumbling incoherently
Zai: The poor dude is...
Sis: That's why
Zai: T need someone to do that for me. that idea is actually sweet
Sis: It is SWEET- do it the anime style :) who'd do that for you anyway?
Zai: How about you do that for me?
Sis: No-
Zai: Would you do that if you were in my shoes
Sis: Definitely will
Zai: Shit

Tis time of the day

2009-10-19T19:46:37Z

It would be during this time of the day, yes very early, when I would space out for quite some time before going back to what I am supposed to do.

It would be during this hour of the morning when I would see Dagger, our pet mice, nibble on his paper mat.

It would be during this time when MS Word would accidentally fuck up causing a delay on so much of my tasks.

And, lastly, it would be during this time of the day when I would hear myself rambling a litany of appreciation for another ahead and coming.

This would more like be considered as one of my random payoff during this time of the day for my inner self seems to have fun working during the wee hours in the morning and falling asleep mid day for obvious reasons.

What more could I ask for, things seem to have been going as I pray for and hopefully it still would continuously (an exemption to those little annoyances which I encounter). It appears to me that my thoughts had been cleared up lately in comparison to those mornings when I would feel rather clouded and all stormed up by welling emotions. Tis all thanks to lj for helping synchronize with myself (plus of course the private options in blogging)

So this ends my ramble this early in the morning. I can't seem to write something sensible and melodic lately.

Here's looking forward to great times.

LAME-O. LAME-O

OH! And I'm getting good at darkening my eyebags even more. LOL

Woopsei

18th of October

2009-10-17T18:42:52Z

Hey there,

Guess what, I found something which has the same exact words that I wanna tell you. I suppose I'm kinda growing lame because of this feeling. Anyways this is true-

Again- no tumblr account.

Click image to see file from.

16th of October

2009-10-16T14:18:26Z

Some sort of defense mechanism known as Reaction Formation, pushing someone away even if you like/love him so much.

Yet, again, I do not have a tumblr account so beat it.

~~And this would be the sort of actions that you should not dare consider.~~

NEVER EVER EVER NEVER...

Credit goes to the owener, click image to view source.

Phenomenology

2009-10-16T03:16:57Z

I've written this one as a homework for my Philisophy of the Human Being class. It took me sometime to come up with this. I dug through this from my files and remembered that I got an A+ for this. haha

Beleive it or not this is who I am.

The Phenomenology of being a restrained person.

I was not that good a student when I was at high school. I never had the chance to go up on-stage to earn ribbons and medals. Neither did I have the chance to have a place at the honor’s list. I was not also participative back then. I wasn’t like my other classmates who raced every day to earn recitation. Neither did I contribute ideas during group works. It was not because I do not give a damn about my studies, nor because I was depending on my classmates to get my big fat grades, it was just that I see no point in doing so because there was no chance that I would be called.

I spent thirteen years of my early education in a school where students were highly competitive and where teachers spent all their attention to students who were capable of competing and winning in interschool competitions. Unfortunately, I was not lucky enough to be one of these students. What was I then? I was the quintessential student who goes everyday to school in complete uniform, with accomplished homework and a stroller bag full of books and notebooks. I was too typical back then that I think I could easily blend with the wall. Perhaps I was too afraid to be heard out by my classmates, my every mistakes and the blunder that might escape from my lips. So, I tried to constrain myself from speaking out what I had in mind. I suppose, I was too concerned on how people will view me as a classmate and student. For me criticisms cost my life. I was enjoying my own little world with some friends who were also typical as I was. Ironically, the enjoyment I had wore off when I compared myself to some of my batch mates who were having the ride of their life whenever they threw parties and talk about the coolest stuff everyone in campus was talking about. I felt somehow left out and out of place whenever I stay inside our classroom with these people. All the more I felt that I was a miniscule part of our four cornered room, cramped and waiting to be noticed. I wished to be acknowledged back then, not acknowledged to the point of being famous around the campus but to be trusted in anything that I do. Somehow I want to be heard by my classmates who were always echoing their ideas. Deep inside me, I know that I was also capable of doing so. All the while, I wanted to be believed by my classmates.

Then came a major turnabout in my life. I saw new faces around me who looked like they don’t give a damn whether you look like the high school valedictorian or the person who was always updated in the fashion world. I was mixed with people of different personalities. At first I felt afraid. I did not know where to go and whom to talk with. Fortunately, a high school friend was admitted at the same college as mine and for a few days both of us ate together and went home together. It seems that we were really meant to part ways despite the same school we attend to. She took fine arts while I took psychology. Our schedules were a mess and there was no point to plan for lunch together. I then decided to let go of the idea that we will accompany each other everyday. I later learned to make new friends. I was at first fearful that my classmates would be too critical to entertain me inside their small groups. Later, I grew fond the little talk we share and laughs we burst. Day by day I interacted with my classmates till I finally picked the people whom I am comfortable hanging out with. The person whom I used to be changed bit by bit when I entered a new environment. I was so stunned when the people surrounding me did not anymore care on how I look like, how I act and how I voice myself out. When I entered college, I felt welcome and younger than ever. I learned how to participate during classes, I learned how to voice out my ideas and I learned to expand the little world I used to have. Each day I found myself evolving into a person I really want to be. Moreover, I felt like my own self. I felt like treading a path where I was really made to walk onto. It was as if, I was setting the color of my present situation in a brighter color in contrast with my dull high school life. My restrained self learned to network the crammed dreams in my mind and I was glad to know that there were people around me who are willing to listen to me, people who were capable of supporting my aspirations as a student. At first all I did was to whisper answers to myself but then it turns out that there was no harm in trying to raise my hand.

It was not that I was seeking attention that I immediately liked the feeling. It was just fun to connect with the people around me and exchange dialogues with them. I grasped learning from them and they grasped learning from me. I now know how to voice out my ideas and voicing out my idea did not only mean that I want people to follow me. What I want is for people to know that I have something inside my mind and I wanted to share it to them.

I was not that same person when I was a high school student. Yes, I am still that typical student but I am one notch higher than before. I never felt bitter looking back to the days when I simply sit down my chair and fear my classmates’ criticism. It actually, makes me smile from time to time because I know that from that chapter of my life I identified myself as a person capable of doing things I wished to have done. Sometimes I feel idiotic thinking that I was afraid just because of the people around me. I changed to a person who learned to believe in my own abilities and love my own ideas. Bringing out the best of me was one of the things that I developed whenever I remembered how frustrated I was for not being able to be like those of my classmates.

As I look in front of the mirror I now understand how I now turned to be a person who can crack a joke. Now, whenever we are having groupings people makes me feel that they are assured to have me as their group mates. They make me feel that I can be a person whom they can gain knowledge from.

Looking back, I thank all those people who faintly believed me and boosted my moral to be who I am now.

Need I say more?

2009-10-13T12:18:15Z

Reblogged which means to say that yes I am-

Credits goes to http://www.klikjoy.com/

I do not have a tumblr account. sorry.

11th of October 2009

2009-10-11T14:09:28Z

I am up to no good lately. A lot of things had been keeping me on my toes and sometimes I do not know how to deal with things anymore. It might seem at times that I act as if I don't care. I might have laughed at someone and might have been insensitive. I might have simply gave out a foolish smile under a critical situation. I might have remained silent when I must have reached out. These things, as I am aware of these gray areas that I can't feel up, I somehow try to be as aiding as I could.

The extent of my capabilities are well noted by my own. I know that I could drive another mile to reach what I am aiming for. Make an effort to patch things up and maybe, just maybe do a little of what magic my hands could do.

In self contradiction, despite this awareness that I possess, I have my self-esteem a bit deflated when it comes to matters which involves emotions. I would rather sleep at night with a dark cloud on my chest. I can't simply do the things that I should because I am afraid that I might tear up the whole of what should have been mended.

Call me confused, but I am.

My silence does not mean that I do not care.

Truth be told, my silence is an indication that I am worried sick.

This might not sound likely of me but ----

Holiday Failure

2009-09-21T11:34:03Z

I was supposed to be editing my conceptual and the item pool of my instrument, yes, I was supposed to be doing so. As the end of September fast approaches- I can't help but blame myself because of the slow pace that I am threading.

Hindi ito tungkol sa thesis okay- bakit nga pala ganyan ang simula ko---

Yan- given that today is a holiday and that I am stuck inside the house with the super boring television shows that our helper is watching, I ended up searching through the net about making plush dolls. I have this fad for stitching and colorful stuff and so I was enthralled to stumble upon AnnaTheRed's Bento Factory.

With nothing to do, I straightened up from my seat, scanned through her album awed with the overload of 'i-wanna-do' list, then took interest upon this picture.

Cuteness overkill

I clicked on the link- then scrolled down the blog entry for the ingredients and the procedures. Easy, I thought to myself. I summoned Carl from our room then asked him to take a bath and help me make some cute Mario Mallows.

We went out to buy mallows, prepared the material then reread the whole page. Determined that we could make a batch of it, and to avoid further scrutiny from Mama, we, at once started with the eggs.

At first the whole this was going according to our liking. Everything was there and we were giddily mixing this and that and laughing.

This one was actually easy.

w
As well as this one.

And this one.

Convinced that we were doing the right thing, i pulled the baking pan from the oven, placed a sheet of grease paper, then set it to preheat. On the process of squeezing the meringue to the pan, we forgot that we don't have an icing bag. I looked for a plastic bag as a substitute for this then squeezed it to the pan. The batch of pink meringue, on the other hand, was not properly executed for I only used a spoon and plopped them on the paper.

Eventually, the temperature of the oven was to hot that we smelled the almost toasted mallows after 15 minutes instead of an hour.

Kaya ito ang kinalabasan niya.

Ignore me na lang sa pic na ito.

Ayan masdan- mukang malnourished version ng goal namin. Almost sunog, panot, and basta- i'm quite disappointed. Para di ako manlumo ng todo- inayos ko siya at ito ang kinalabasan niya.

it does not like any of Mario's P mushrooms.

panot na panot yung mushroom head niya oh~ flat-

instead of revising my thesis- i wasted time with this failed sweeto

the embarassed one

carl was the one who designed this~

Yan~ so yeah sabi nga ni len 'at least you've tried and learned something from the experience'.

Bakit siya epic failure?
1. Sobrang baba ng aking threshold sa sweets
2. Diabetic nga pala kami
3. I acted on impulse- barabara yung desisiyon na gawin to
4. Lahat tantsa lang
5. Ang daming nasayang na mallows- well di naman nasayang pero sinong kakain
...

Basta maraming mali- argh. It was time consuming- as in.

Pero - ttry ko pa din next time. As in pangregalo quality.

P.S. feeling ko aftermath ito nung pagddrawaing namin sa eggs nung nasa Cavinti kami and nung cupcake designing last week.

Update

2009-09-18T13:23:31Z

Oh yes sweet life! I am back and posting. After quite sometime I finally got the chance to reward myself from another week of cerebral activity. Since the night before our trip to Cavinti, we haven't had enough sleep and to make things worse, on my behalf- I had been practicing bad study habits. I've sort of developed the worse case of procrastination and cramming by doing paper works 4 hours before the deadline. And yes- I hate it.

Moving on, despite the stressful week, I must say that I was inspired that I haven't felt tired ans sleepless not until I sat in front the computer a few minutes ago. Thus- the inspiration that I have right now it shining out oh-so-brightly- that it blinds me from the darkness of whichever evil it is that exists. Well- to YOU i give my sincerest gratitude from the bottom of my heart.

Then came yesterday when Renee and I had to do our research at DLSU and again, thankfully we found a handful of citations and research journals- and a whole lot of relevant researches and empirical studies which requires subscription resulting to an irked 'me' ranting in front the computer unit. After persuading Renee- we went to Makati, despite the rain, to get something from our practicum site.

Just awhile ago- our yearly trip to the Manila International Book Fair took place- except that the whole kada was not there. It was a reward which I've been waiting for since god-knows-when. The long wait seemed to have gotten to a waste. I got disappointed because it was not exciting. there was always this surprise which I used to enjoy for the previous years but I was disappointed to the core that it was not there.

But still- Renee and Marcy who brightened up my day as we strolled in the mall while speaking of our weirdest thoughts.

But it would have been the best if....

Oh- I love surprises- especially if..

It's All A Blur Last Night

2009-08-30T13:14:50Z

'I did something foolish-' I told myself the moment I woke up this morning. Like the white lights which flashed last night, fragments of what took place played back in my memory and I felt terribly embarassed. For one, I was supposed to be my calm and collected self but in the end I turned out to be out of character. I was scattered brain, or maybe I lost my brain somewhere in the party last night. I did not know which to sat and which not to say, and worse I was acting as if no one was watching.

Certainly I was because of the alcohol which made me high. I danced, screamed, walked here and there, emptied the glasses on our table, laughed like a fool... You're getting the picture. Right.

But the whole time that we were there and while I was silent, I heard myself utter, "I am kind of dizzy, I am not taking another drink." Just then there was a choice. To have fun even without getting drunk or to have fun while you are drunk. The second option came striking that in an instance, I was reminded that mama told me to have fun and so I did.

i never knew that walking past strangers would be that easy. I stepped on their foot and bumped on them but I did not care at all. I danced there on our spot and I did not care if there were people watching. We took turns for the bar to get some drinks and the last thing I remember drinking was a glass of vodka mixed with the chaser drink. After that, I could remember sitting beside my dear friend and walking to I can't remember where. And then laughing and uttering fragmented words, and talking loudly.

I suppose forgetting what happened last night is saving me from remembering how i behaved last night. At the same time, forgetting what happened last night makes me uncomfortable.

Did I say any of my well-hidden secrets?

It's All A Blur Last Night.

Who?

2009-08-25T16:15:06Z

I'll blog this once and without hesitation.

'I like you"

Where is the door?

2009-08-25T15:46:41Z

Yet again, I am confused. It would be during these days when I could not hurl my self into sleep and setle myself into calmness. There would be these intermingling thoughts looming ont he back of your head and fighting their way out to manifest into doable concepts and tangible product.

This would usually happen when you would wake up the next morning and hoping that you had astrals all the while to help you think anf caryr out your plans.

The exhaustion wouold simply make you sigh and push you to staring, yet again, to an epic work load.

I sometimes, link confusion and procrastination together. And I don't know why.

For the meantime, I am quite FRUSTRATED with my work progres:

1. Heading a quite big project is leading me to a great distress, most especially when it would push though this coming Thursday. Good luck Llara.

2. Haute Couture interviews- the rejections are pushing down the dumps

3. Graphic Designers- I thought there would only be one interviewee, why are my classmates rushing here and there to have 5 interviewees?!

4. Thesis

5. YOU!!!!! I mean you, someone who is veryveryvery important to me :)

Argh-

Yes- I am really sleepy so get or with the grammar drama. I'll be editing tomorrow.

8/14/09 - 1:02 AM

2009-08-13T17:03:16Z

I was off to school earlier than the usual. I heard mama cackle over my little brothers over turned bag and some three pieces of test paper which had low marks. Supposedly, I was to write my thesis, but I knew better. So fled early in the morning to school.

Lian was already at the Org. Office. The sight of my friend made me forget a bit of what I left at home. Then came Renee who has the same sentiments as I and Lianni have.

This day is rather eventful. We were an effective team, the way I see performance and dedication for such simple project. Everyone had their extra share. So yeah, conflicts did not surface. It was quite the wait for there was substance in what we did. The words imparted to us were so philosophical and we were enthralled by our interview with an admirable faculty from our school.

It feels good talking to smart people. They push you to think smart. Unfortunately, we were given once or maybe twice a week to meet someone as such. A person who speaks of substance. Sweet and simple.

When unexpected things come up its up to ones task approach skills to handle surprised. Fight or Flight?

We fought, not that fruitful as with sir, but yeah, still thankful to what was served to us.

Then we wasted time by enjoying wasted time :) yeah. Thanks Renee :D

We went to these parks at Makati. On the middle the business district we strolled till our feet hurt like hell. Me, I enjoy parks so much. Boring? I know. But seriously, bring me to a park you'd be glad to see me such up in appreciation.

Then grabbed a bite at Glo. Had a fruitful discussion with Psych fellows. I just love talking to them, I can hear my own feelings in them. Pure empathy. I listened and talked, they listened and talked. They know when to stop and how to start. They know that it would be better to not respond and simply listen. They know what to respond and how to respond. They can hear my heart. The see the depth in personalities.

We share the same feelings. Sometimes views. Sometimes beliefs.

That's what I am looking for in a conversation. A conversation where I am also the giving end and not always the receiving end. a conversation where everything under the sun is accepted. A conversation where there is emphathy, reflection and mirroring.

Then when I came home, you came in, and I thought it was worth the wait. But then again, I can no longer understand you. Just then I remembered, oh - we had drifted apart - that was long AGO.

Nah- sorry I am not that good with words.

Para Kay Ginang Corazon Cojuangco Aquino

2009-08-05T06:51:31Z

Former President Cory Aquino you touched the hearts of the Filipino people. You showed compassion in servitude. With courage you fought for what was right and with the aid of God's almighty presence in your life you portrayed a righteous woman- a mother.

A wife to your husband.
The light of your family.

The mother of our democrary.

We will miss you.

From My Heart With Sincerity

2009-08-03T11:43:55Z

This I have never felt ever. There are terrible inconsistencies that I find myself struggling between thoughts of you. Certainly, you do not know who you are. You are clueless as I am with such strange feeling. Sometimes I fear that I am falling deeper and sometimes I want it to grow even further.

You never know how you created an impact to my life.
How you made me leave my old grumpy ways and how I found a new way to handle life's stressor and pains in the ass.
How you could make or break my heart with indirect gestures and how you could lighten up my day even if I won't seen you after all.

How you make me correct my mistakes even if you are not lifting a finger.
Sure you are not aware that our distant proximity reminds me of how i miss you and an arm's length space between us pushes me to miss you all the more.

There are these honey coated words that I woud want to tell you and once or twice I have thought of telling you so but sissy as I am i kept on backing out and wiping off the idea.
I'd be damned if I'd not be able to tell you.

You make me feel conscious of almost everything.
You make me feel special and complete like you always do.
Sometimes its as if we are playing chase and I'd be 'it'.

You make me smile even if we are worlds apart and cry even if you havent done anything at all.
You make me drown under those big brown pool of eyes that seems to unearth my deepest feelings.

You make me give my best and do nothing but the best at all times.
You make me feel a mixture of comfort and insecurity.
You make me feel love and all sorts of feelings and emotions.

Most importantly you make time stand still as if the spot lights are on us even if you are not aware of it.

You even made me write such stupid stuff.

To me you are important.

<3 From My Heart With Sincerity <3

Can't

2009-07-18T08:34:07Z

There are times when I think that I should be hating you but I can't bring myself to. Go figure!